I believe my non-stop overthinking, my desire to feel validated, my rumination, my insecurities triggered every miniscule second, or this so called quarter life crisis, all of these must be telling me something.
Despite of adulthood lurking around the corner that shit is about to get real, feeling trap with life’s choices, comparing goals, dreams, and aspirations with my reality and begin to question my purpose and direction in life, I tried hard to distract myself from the thoughts that keep me insane — listening to podcast, adapting minimalism in hope of lessening my thoughts bombarding me time after time, reading self-help blogs, planning the every five seconds of my life — but none of these is leading me to the answers in line with my true self.
Contrary to my efforts to arrive into a peaceful state of mind, I’ve gone to getting disappointed in expecting too much from people that I love, frustrated in getting stuck in a job that isn’t related to my degree, and overwhelmed on sudden responsibilities of paying bills, buying my own food, giving something to other people instead. Now, I am afraid of my desperation in getting my shit together. I feel left behind, panics starts to set in and I’m prone into impulsive decision thoughts lately. And again, I’m afraid, afraid that this quarter life crisis would turn into a permanent life crisis or even directly to a death bed or a life full of regrets. So here’s an undefined answer to the life-defining moment of my life — explore, keep moving.
Lately, I realized that I don’t know a lot of things about myself yet.
- I didn’t know how bad it could feel like to get too insecure as I compare myself to others.
- I didn’t know that after more than a year hiatus from teaching, I would still want to teach despite of having a lesser compensation from it.
- I didn’t know that I would go an extra mile in offering help to people even though it would compromise the things that I want myself to spoil with.
- I didn’t know that I could be that protective to people that I would dare to talk back in any case that I would hear ugly things about them.
- I didn’t know that I would enjoy cooking and seeing people liking my dish.
- I didn’t know that I sing so bad but can still enjoy it anyway
these and a lot more of unknown versions of myself — this is where my exploration will begin from.
So there. This made me feel better. Nice! Time to explore, self!
